Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Prediction: Bioshock Infinite Is Gonna Blow

Bioshock Infinite looks like the biggest piece of shit since Star Wars: The Old Republic. What I don't understand is why the fuck are people getting excited for this kind of shit again. Ken Levine is literally ruining games. Am I exaggerating? Maybe, but there's a lot to be said about how Bioshock Infinite has already failed as a game, and how it is moving dangerously close to the realm of an interactive narrative. Levine was even stupid enough to brag about the amount of dialogue that his First Person Shooter contains. This comes almost immediately after he admitted that dialogue is the "least effective way to tell a story". Good job, you fucking jackass, you filled your game to the brim with something you admit is not effective.

It almost seems like he's more concerned with making Bioshock a game that is fun to watch, rather than fun to play. What he doesn't realize is the fact that the dialogue and plot in his games are not deep, interesting, or entertaining in any way.

Let's take a look at Elizabeth first.

oh man i love her and just want to protect her

When I first saw this screenshot, I thought it was a joke. How can a person seriously model, texture, voice, and display the character of Elizabeth with any level of sincerity? On an entirely superficial level, she's a fucking joke. Disney figured out a very long time ago how to make a character seem cute, innocent, and naive in order to make the audience want to care about the character, want to protect it, and want to see it succeed. You have to give it big, wide, inviting eyes, and a large, disproportionately sized head. You have to make it 'beautiful' by having an even face and pale skin.

The problem is that Bioshock does this to such a degree that the result is fucking disgusting. Look at those tears, don't you just wanna dry them up and hold her in your arms until the bad men go away? What I really want is to find out why the designers thought elephantiasis was an adorable trait: her head is about twice as large as her fucking torso, and her eyes are about as big as an orange. Her neck is so fucking thin that if she turned her head quickly, it would snap right off. The design is so awful that I just want to cry.

Her personality is pretty much the par for female characters in video games. She's cute, and bubbly, and innocent, and naive, and funny. She wants to do the right thing but she needs to be protected. Most important of all, she loves you: the player. She loves you so that you can pretend for a fleeting second that you aren't alone in the world, that you are worth being loved, and that you didn't just spend $60 on this shit.

Here's some of the dialogue, taken straight from the fifteen minute E3 demo.

Elizabeth: "Promise me."

Booker: "I will stop him."

Elizabeth: "No. That is an oath you cannot keep.
*verge of tears*

But promise me that if it comes to it. 
*slowly holds Booker's hand, and then forcefully wraps it around her throat*

That you will NOT let him take me back."

Booker: "It won't come to that, alright"

i need to protect her, she's my wife

Oh man, I can feel the great emotion just oozing out of this scene. Almost as much emotion as the previous scene in which Elizabeth spends around a minute of game time whimpering and crying and hiding because she's weak and needs to be protected.

The next scene she's comforting a dying horse because its in pain, for some reason. She gets really emotional about it, because I assume no one at Irrational Games has ever talked to a girl so they just assume all girls get really emotional and cry a lot. I suppose this scene is also meant to elicit sympathy from the audience, but it just comes off as extremely haphazard and out of place, especially the fake "option" to euthanize the horse that disappears as the game forces you to watch Elizabeth fail to use her power correctly. Also the horse disappears making the scene entirely pointless. Fuck you.

so sad! this is so sad and i am feeling sad emotions pouring out of my eyeholes. 

What about the gameplay? Well, I can't imagine the core mechanics will be that bad. It's a First Person Shooter, and those are nearly impossible to fuck up. The most concerning thing is the fact that it takes over eight minutes in a fifteen minute gameplay demo to actually partake in the core mechanics. That is to say that over half of the demo is spent just walking around, getting a bunch of dialogue that you don't care about spouted at you, and NOT shooting anyone. Dempster66 put it about as well as I could ever hope to:

dempster66 and me are on the same page

The core mechanics are pretty boring, to say the least. Standard First Person Shooter affair; you have your pistol, shotgun, submachine gun, sniper rifle, machine gun, rocket launcher. Nothing new or exciting there. I don't know a lot about the health mechanics, but they seem almost pointless as the person playing the demo just runs around with little care of self-preservation, barely getting damaged by any of the enemy's weapons. The entire encounter seems absolutely void of any tension at all, save for the artificial one produced by the massive blimp shooting a million rockets that all miss you and don't damage anything. Or the artificial tension produced by jumping from rail to rail at massive heights, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure you can't die from it unless you can't press a button.

The enemies are some of the dumbest things I've seen in a long time. However, the developer videos of Ken Levine and Shawn Robertson awkwardly trying to explain how the new enemies are totally different are actually pretty funny. Ken Levine starts out by explaining that they wanted enemy types with a "more imaginative range of powers". He proceeds to introduce the Motorized Patriot, an enemy that... shoots at you. I sure as shit have never seen that before, asshole.

"Couple of things make him really special... one is that he's, unlike most of the enemies, he's completely fearless. He doesn't have a sense of self-preservation. So he'll just keep coming at you, coming at you, coming at you." - Ken Levine

The above quote is absolutely wonderful because it implies that the AI in any of his games have ever done anything other than walk at you in a straight line while shooting at you. For fuck's sake, in the fifteen minute gameplay demo that's exactly what most of the enemies do.

My favorite part of the video is Shawn Robertson looking entirely unenthusiastic about it. He looks like he just wanted to get the work over with and not have to deal with Ken's stupid fucking ideas anymore. Shawn talks about the Motorized Patriot as an idea that ""Everybody saw it and said, okay, we can- we can roll with that..." He goes on to say that it was an idea where everyone felt that "let's just move forward with what we got" complete with eye rolling and looking down at the floor.

insert penis. too easy. 

The above is an actual enemy type in Bioshock Infinite. The Boys Of Silence, when they hear you, will open their mouth to screech and attract nearby enemies. I shouldn't have to explain why it is a bad gameplay concept (this exact same enemy type was dropped from the Valve game Left 4 Dead before release). And I really shouldn't have to explain why it is a bad design. I mean, I just really cannot make fun of this thing. Am I going to make fun of a clown for having a big, red nose and silly shoes? The fucking thing wouldn't be able to get through a door. The stupid thing would probably fall over the second it tried turning around. I suppose I can only assume the second point, but it is a fair assumption considering the fucking thing has about half a ton of copper balanced precariously on its neck.

If one person comes in here and tells me that I shouldn't judge the game based on just the demo, or gameplay videos, I'm going to fucking snap. I'm sure you'd rather I shore up the $60 to find out if I should spend $60 on the game. That makes a lot of sense. Demos and gameplay videos are clearly a different game entirely and in the months between E3 and release the developers will have fixed everything!

This game is going to fucking blow.


  1. having horses walk around on a flying island city seems like a bad idea

  2. imo itd be a good video project to recut all of these vids and cut out everyones commentary but shawns

  3. Agree with your article totally, but just wanna ask what about the boys of silence is bad gameplay?

    I don't see much to do with gameplay in bioshock anyway, so wondering why the special mention.

    1. I can see where he's coming from. If Bioshock (or any fps with this enemy) had interesting monsters it'd perhaps be more interesting but it sounds like the BoS will literally by another excuse to toss three or four bullet sponge grunt enemies at you who will do nothing but shoot at you and move in a straight line.

  4. You could make the BoS decent if you had a rogue like structure. On easy mode twenty enemies spawn in this level. The BoS makes you fight all twenty at once as they home the fuck in on you. If all the enemies are dead the BoS does jack. He screams, nothing happens, and then he panics. Just literally runs around screaming, trying to find his friends.

  5. You sir are a genius. Everything you said in this article I agree with fully. Also this had me in tears laughing!

    "Ken Levine starts out by explaining that they wanted enemy types with a "more imaginative range of powers". He proceeds to introduce the Motorized Patriot, an enemy that... shoots at you. I sure as shit have never seen that before, asshole. "

    Best quote ever.

    Anyways thanks for posting this , know I know there are many more like me that feel the same way about this game.

  6. Well thank God I'm not the only person out there that thought that new token female had unbelievable porportions. Honest to fucking god, as soon as I saw that stupid cunt appear in the trailer I knew this game would be utter shit. I mean WTF? I understood the little sisters and big sisters thing, but this is fucking unbeleivable! As a female I am offened that a character like Elizabeth even exists in the gaming industry. Fuck the new nuns in the Mafia game trailer. Fuck Tomb Raider. They look like fucking Ellen Degenerate in comparison to this stupid dispraportinate piece of shit that the devs created!

    1. Knew it would be shit? I can just tell you're oozing with intelligence.

  7. Do you generally write exclusively for your blog or maybe for other online or offline networks?

  8. Bioshock was an amazing game, now they're using the name "Bioshock" to impulse a fairy action FPS for the average gamer

  9. I love how negative you all are, I suppose you are all game devs? Oh, you're not?! Well what a surprise there! If you guys were all game developers the gaming industry wouldn't be in such a bad shape, right?!
    Bitches please, make your own game before you start talking shit about how ''generic'' a game is. The concept of a flying city where your means of transport is a rail is new. The person that wrote this article and the people commenting on how right he/she is should go back fapping at Total War 2.

    1. Let me get this straight, he is not allowed to express his opinions about a video game because he is not a video game developer himself? By your logic, none of us should feel ANYTHING about a game, since it's safe to say most gamers are not game developers, and we are all incapable of knowing what's good from bad until we all become game developers ourselves. If that's true, the whole creative field is in trouble.
      You can disagree with his point of view then explain your reasoning, but never ever say he shouldn't have an opinion about Bioshock because he didn't make a living developing games.

  10. Hey author. Your were right! (not being sarcastic this game is a piece of crap).

  11. Yep. You nailed it all right. I just got so bored I went back to another game. This is a cynical POS aimed at really dumb children. I read that it would have a really interesting plot revolving around quantum mechanics, but apparently Schroedinger's cat ate it. I played through on normal and didn't die in 3 hours, when i realized i was wasting my time and left. Piss poor level design. Bioshock 2 should have warned us that Levine only had one game in him.

  12. Pretty much what I expected, man i really haven't played any of these new games. SO out of the loop. But yeah the first Bioshock wasn't.... umm good story-wise .... "Luke I am your father" was a better twist.